Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Very Humble Bumble

Hey Y'all,
I know you must think I either fell off the earth, or I'm heartless for not posting since December 8th. I don't blame you. Many times, I have anxiously went to blogs I enjoyed, only to find they had not been updated in a while. I wish I had some brilliant explanation. Truth is I don't. The only thing I can say is that every time I sat at the computer to blog, or even visit other's blogs...I didn't. I would look at the computer, check e-mail and get right back up to go do something else. I wish I could say it was a spiritual know like focusing on Jesus, or fasting from the computer. Nope! Wouldn't be true. I have missed my time with you...actually I missed it a lot. I can truthfully say that there were many times I sat down, with every intention of visiting with your blogs and catching up with my own. The gut honest truth is I don't know why I couldn't/wouldn't do it. It made me sad when I'd get back up without communicating with you. It wasn't depression or anything like that either. We had an awesome Christmas! The best in years! It wasn't that I was overwhelmed by holiday business. We were busy, but not overly so. In fact, it was an easier holiday than most. I just don't know why.

Which makes it harder to ask you to understand, when I don't even know. So all I can say is, I'm sorry. I missed you dearly...missed that part of me that writes too. I know that whatever hindered me before is now gone. I know the words and the motivation are strong here I sit. Writing out my apologies and hoping that with time, I can once again gain your trust and your attendance to this blog.

I do know that this time away make that begging God to explain to me what was going on...has refocused my direction. Before, I was doing a mixture of journal/devotion. I had even started a Bible verse study on what God thinks of us. I think this type of stuff needs to stay. I need to remain personal, devotional, and I would love for us to study together. The difference is that it was haphazard, not consistent. Sometimes I would blog everyday, every two or three days, sometimes only once a week, sometimes it would go as long as 2 weeks. The blogs had no real set order or agenda...just whatever came to my mind that day. I believe that one thing God did do for me in this period of silence, is teach me that I have been too casual in my commitment, too random, too spontaneous.

So here is where I'm at now. I am going to be more intentional in the Bible study and devotional areas. If you will again join me, we will continue the study about our identity in God's eyes starting Monday Jan. 4th. I will continue the Bible study every other post, with a personal devotional in between. Please feel free to hold me accountable to this. I also want to interact more with each post by commenting back to you about the post myself.

I know God has called me to write and I have run from it long enough. As I sit here with you, I am beginning to realize that it might have been my own feelings of unworthiness, and fear that has kept me from writing to even you my friends. Pray for me. I love communicating with words...written and oral. I love you all dearly too. So expect visits from me and expect me to be here when you visit me. Deal?

Update: No brace, long story that I will share soon. Mike has completed having his feet looked at and we are now waiting again....for our recruiter to receive our data and complete our packet. February boards....February boards...February boards.

Zoie is doing great! Singing all over the place now. Her singing schedule leaves mine in the dust!
Thanks for loving us and praying for us.

My goal this year is to ENDEAVOR TO THE END IN 2010!


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

What to Bring?

Hey Y'all,
I still don't have the brace yet and we are still in a waiting game again with the army. So keep praying.

Here is a Fun Christmas Question for you.

The Wise men brought Baby Jesus Gold, Frankincense, and myrrh. These represented the best gifts they could offer.

If you could be a wise man/woman today what would you bring?

Also here is a quick look at our next verse in our Bible Study
Acts 1:8

Read my answer and the study next post.
Love you all very much!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

True Green!

John 15:1 & 5

I can not believe that it has been a whole week since I last posted…and that was just a Thanksgiving shout out!
My life has gone crazy since I started this Bible study about our true identities...according to God! I owe you an apology. I gave in to my feelings and my want to(s) and did not continue coming to this study every day like I should have…needed to do even for myself. I let my own emotions dictate my time instead of taking every thought/emotion under the cause of Christ. I let myself down and you down. But I committ to you now to not let that happen again.

I am receiving the brace today. This has been an emotional hurricane in my life. I shift from strong winds pushing me in many directions to floods of feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and hopelessness. Then I moved into the eye of the storm and found God’s peace and even see a glimpse of His directing hands. Today, I am on the back side of this storm. Though it is still emotionally tumultuous, maybe the worst yet, I know we are nearing the end….where the storm has past and we are left to clean up and rebuild. This time to be found stronger and surer. So continue to pray for me as God rebuilds, reshapes and makes me stronger.

Our verse/s today is John 15:1 & 5. “I am the vine and my father is the vineyard keeper.” “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me.” (CSB)

At first when I looked at it I slightly groaned….like Zoie feels sometimes of Bible stories she has heard many times….I thought, "I know this one too well…What can I learn from this…I’ve even memorized it so that I can say it in my sleep." And just as I tell her, the Father told me, “My Word is living look at it again.”
Like the other verses, I started by asking myself, “What does this say about me?” I decided to look at myself as a branch. If I were a true branch on a vine, what would my identity be?
Nothing…apart from the vine. OK, I know you know that...but stick with me for just a moment. Take the branch away from the vine and it becomes just a stick. No longer a branch a stick! No more life comes into it. No food. No water. Sunlight, instead of giving it life, becomes its mortal enemy because the sun will quickly dry a stick out to brittle decay. There is no protection. Nothing left but dried up death.

Looking at this from where I am standing in my hurricane, I gain strength and hope. Because right now I feel emotionally spent…even hungry. Who is my source? Jesus! Not only will I live because Of Him but I will also THRIVE. As the Vine He passes ALL of His same nutrients Including power
Including hope
Including peace
Including trust
Including wisdom
Including ALL HIS RICHES IN GLORY to me!

Look at this verse from the Message “I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer.” “I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation is intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, You can’t produce a thing.” (The Message)

In today’s world, where we are looking to be more green…more natural…more organic, how can you be more organic than Jesus…the Alpha and Omega?
The beginning and the end has provided for our every need. Period! The End!

I wrote this post this morning, but could not post it until tonight. I got the brace but it isn't right. I have a call into the doctor, and am now waiting for her to call back. The brace has left me with more pain and less function in even my good leg. Please pray. I needed these verses today. I am not going to wear the brace as it is, so we will see what God can do! He is my Real Vine today.

I love you dear friends.
Please comment on what it means to you to be a branch on the Divine Vine!

Thursday, November 26, 2009


Happy Thanksgiving Day everybody!

Praise the Lord!
Eat a little
Praise the Lord
Eat a little
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Eat a Lot!

Today we are still free to thank God and celebrate our Christian heritage.
Do not worry about tomorrow, live in the Thanksgiving now today!
Love ya.
I'm going to gobble on over to my mom's, so I can gobble up this whole worry free, Thanksgiving day!


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Meanwhile....Back at the Bible Study

Hey Y'all,

I am so sorry it took me so long to get back here.
It has been a weird, prayerful....prayerful....did I say prayerful....week.
I have been fitted for my brace and will get it in about a week. It was hard to say the least, but God was there and that made it easier. Thank you so much for the prayers and words of encouragement. They have been overwhelming.

I realized something through this process. God's timing and sense of humor can not be matched. Here I am doing a Blog Bible study on what God thinks of us....our identity through His eyes. I wanted to do this to get a truthful understanding (As much as possible this side of Glory) of my own identity. So here I am in the third verse of this study, when I find out about having to once again wear a brace. Here's what God has done....He has shown me that my interpretation of completely entwined with my Cerebral Palsy (CP). Truth is...that's just a part of who I am. But in my mind...every blessing, every trial, everything is wrapped tightly in my C.P. Want some examples?

God gave me the parents I had because of my CP
God turned the heart of a wonderful and handsome young man so that he'd be willing to marry a girl with CP.
God blessed me with understanding of being someone with a special need so that is what makes me a great consultant/writer for those with special needs.
God gave me a "Normal" healthy child because I had CP.
Everyone who knows me describes me first as "Pamela, you know the one with the limp...the handicapped woman."

Okay, listen carefully. None of these are true! Yes! God has blessed me with gifts for working and helping those with special needs. I do have a different kind of understanding because of my CP. BUT! My gifts are not because of my CP or even in spite of my CP. They are because God chose to give them to me. My parents were not chosen for me based solely on the fact I would have CP. Instead God Gave them the tools/gifts they would need for me...with or without CP.
Mike did not marry me as a pity for a girl with CP. He married me because he loves me. (We talked about this a lot this! I would have landed Mike with or without CP!)
Zoie was not born healthy based on anything about me....she is God's design and has nothing to do with me...except she blesses me with or without CP. And as for everyone describing me as the lady with the limp...according to several friends I've confronted about this....not even on their radar. Would not make the top 30 describing words they would use for me. In fact, you should have seen the look on their faces when I asked! How about that?

Had God not allowed me to go back into the brace, I would not have known these had been core beliefs/lies of mine. In some ways I was not even existing, but was instead some big old wad of CP.

So this Bible study is helping me to discover a new me...or should I say the real me. As I posted last time I am a child of God according to John 1:12. He has given me that right/ power. And with that right comes every blessing the King of Kings can give His child. (With or without CP!)I will post a new verse next post.

Thank you for listening and your prayers.

Now I must leave you with one more:
We got word yesterday from our recruiter that we have once again missed the deadline. We will not be going before the December boards, so all hope for the January school is now gone. We are now looking toward the February boards and the June school. Continue praying for us and we are continuing to believe that God is leading and providing during this journey.

I love you all!

Monday, November 16, 2009

From Tears to Giggles

Hey Y'all,

Question: Do you think the Beautiful Swan ever felt like the Ugly Duckling again? What about when he turned old and the wings just wouldn't work anymore?

That's the way I felt at 1:30 today.

I had been having trouble with pain in my foot that is affected by the Cerebral Palsy. So today I went to the doctor to see what was happening.

I was expecting her to tell me that I had pulled or strained some ligaments.
I was expecting to have to wear one of those big boots for a few weeks.
I was not expecting what I heard.

I have arthritis in my foot....bad! If I am not put into a brace soon, my foot will not be able to function correctly and I will not be able to walk on it.

It is hard to describe what that word meant when I heard it.



But Lord we conquered the brace...I haven't had to wear one since I was nine! 38 years is not what I prayed for...I asked to not have to wear another brace...forever!

That one word brought me to tears.
That one word brought me back to horrid feelings in my past.

After much praying and talking to family, God used another word to bring my tears to a giggle.

It is in our verse today

John 1:12 "But to all who did receive Him, He gave them the right to be children of God, to those who believe in His name."

As I've looked at this verse the last couple of days, one word kept sticking out to me..."right." Today in my tears, my dad, who has had a colostomy for the past 14 years, said I didn't have the "right" to complain. He did not mean I could not be sad. He did mean I could not mope or believe that this ended or disqualified me as a beautiful child of God.

I hung up and looked up in the Greek the word that halted my complaining spirit today and that has been ringing in my ears from John 1:12.

I was shocked...then I started giggling. Oh how God has a sense of humor, just when I needed it the most...He illustrates the meaning of that word...powerfully!

exousia (ex-oo-see'-ah); from NT:1832 (in the sense of ability); privilege, i.e. (subjectively) force, capacity, competency, freedom, or (objectively) mastery (concretely, magistrate, superhuman, potentate, token of control), delegated influence:

KJV - authority, jurisdiction, liberty, power, right, strength.

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright © 1994, 2003, 2006 Biblesoft, Inc. and International Bible Translators, Inc.)

The words highlighted in red are done by me.

I have the POWER to be God's child.
I do not have the POWER to complain.


This is one SUPERHUMAN child of God who is going to embrace her brace and see what God is going to do. I will not turn back into an ugly duckling...but I might......

.....see if they have a brace in hot pink!


Did this make you giggle too?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A Match or a Light House?

Hey Y'all,

This Bible study on what God thinks about us has been amazing! I have loved your comments on the verses I've posted so far...ain't God good!

" You are the light of the world---like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden." NLT

It was hard for me at first not to just accept and rely on the truths I've heard about this verse from other teachers and pastors. So much has been said about us being lights for God. I want, in this study, to ask myself what is God saying about our Identity in Him. What does it say about my value to Him. Because this verse is so familiar and over used...I did go to to my interlinear Bible and look up the verse in Greek.

Something hit me: The first two words, "You Are..."

In the Greek this is a Second person present tense indicative verb. English slang translation:
This phrase is a statement of fact! (Indicative verb). This means that when Jesus said this about us His followers He meant that we ARE the light of the world...not that we can be...or gonna be...or was...or even trying to be.....we already ARE!

It is not what we do that makes us the light of the is who we are....we belong to Him...He lives in us....We are because He is!

In both John 8:12 and John 9:5, Jesus says of Himself..."I am the Light of the world."

The reason Jesus calls me the light of the world is because I belong to Him. He is living and shinning through me and guess what.....Nothing I do changes that!

Light is important to God and us....It was the very first thing He spoke into being in our world.

I cannot stop the light. Even by trying to hide it under a basket....I will still shine...though not as bright.

But as y'all know, even an itty bittty match can light up a big O' dark room.

No matter what I think about me....I will still illuminate Jesus to the world...either as small as a match or as big as a light house! He says....I illuminate! this Bible study!

Leave some more comments here about what it means to you to be "The light Of The World."

New verse next post!

Wanting to be a light house!

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Other Side Of The Lake

Hey Y'all,

A quick catch-up before I post today's verse. We heard Friday that Mike's paperwork did NOT make the November Army Boards. Our recruiter has promised us December. Pray that he can keep this promise.

Zoie came home from a 3 day field trip with her 5th grade class on Friday. She had a blast, but was missed something awful! We spent the rest of the weekend being together. I took her out to McDonald's Saturday morning for a country ham biscuit and a coke. (*_*) It turned out to be a Divine Appointment! Zoie had been struggling and questioning why it was taking us so long to get into the Army. We talked about many reasons God delays His will for us. But to be honest, neither of us was satisfied with all the "Good Christian Theology" answers I was giving her. Then out of my mouth came a new thought. Maybe one reason we are being delayed, is because we have not completed every assignment God has for us right here! As Zoie and I looked at that possibility, it seemed to ring true for both of us. Through our discussion, we began to see several possibilities and areas of service, we could do right now while we are still here. Both of us became excited and renewed.

Then last night, our pastor was teaching on the story of Jesus calming the storm. He pointed out something I had heard many years ago but had forgotten. I tend to focus on the storm calming power of Jesus. Pastor Andy pointed out the reason Jesus said they had no faith....Jesus had told them before getting into the boat that they were going to the other side of the lake. He didn't say we are going to try. He didn't say let's sail in the lake a while. He said," Let's cross to the other side." He told them where they were going....wouldn't He know...and shouldn't we...that if Jesus directs the destination...then no matter what storm or delay...shouldn't we believe that He will get us there! I once heard an old pastor say: "If the disciples really had faith...they would have laid down to take a nap beside Jesus!" Well I'm not going to nap...I'm going to look for every opportunity to serve Him here...until He places us the destination He has commanded that we will go!

Now for our Identity Verse:
Jesus says

"You are the light of the world--like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden." NLT

What does it mean to you when Jesus says you are the light of the world? What do you think He is thinking about you as He says this? How does this make you feel?
Post and share.
I will post my thoughts next time.

Thanks so much for doing this study with me. It has blessed me beyond what I could ever describe.

I love you my shinning light friends

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Salty As Country Ham!

Hey Y'all,

God says I am the salt of the earth. I'd like to be as salty as a good ole piece of country ham. There's not a whole lot I like more than a country ham biscuit with a coke.

This on-line study we are doing together about how God feels/thinks about us, has been a challenge for me. At first, I wanted to get out my commentaries, Greek lexicon and my New Testament notes from seminary. So that I could post my thoughts based on the research I'd discovered.

Instead God lead me to look at the value of salt. What was the value of salt in Jesus' day? What is the value of salt today?

I was floored! In every generation, but especially in the Bible times, salt was as valuable as water. Without salt a society can not sustain itself. Kingdoms would often have to move or die out when the salt deposits were gone. Today with all of our advanced means of transportation, we no longer have to move. However, if suddenly there were no usable salt deposits...Well let me just leave it at the ...!

Salt equals life!

Next instead of looking at this new information from a doctrinal/theological standpoint, I asked myself this question.

What does it mean to me that God thinks I'm salt?

For me, it means that I am a giver of life. God has intrusted me and you to give by seasoning His love and salvation on everyone we touch everyday. He has made us preservers of life. We are the instrument that He uses to provide healing for the hurting, comfort (isn't most of our comfort foods loaded with salt) for those who feel undone and unloved, and salvation for the lost.

God could save the world without ever using a single believer....He's God! Yet...He chooses to sprinkle me and you onto others for His purposes.

That makes me feel important....needed....loved.

So today, I'm asking God to salt my world today like a salty piece of country ham! Who knows I might even start dancing an old dance called the "Salty Dog Rag!"

I loved your answers and would like more of your thoughts. This is a an amazing study to me.
I'll post another verse tomorrow.


Monday, November 2, 2009

He Says I'm....

Hi Y'all,
As I shared in my last post, I struggle sometimes with what I believe others think of me...including God.
As a child of His, I sometimes expect Him to think about me....what I think about me...focusing on every flaw....exaggerating them to guilt and feelings of uselessness.

How can God use me when I'm so messed up?

Through the wonderful counseling of Grace Life International, I have begun changing my beliefs about my own worth in God's sight. There is a handout that I received that contains 66 verses from the New Testament about what God has said about you and me....His children.

Tonight, I am posting the first on the list. What I would like for you to do is read it, meditate on it, then post a comment on what it says to you...about you. I will post my thoughts in the next post. I will post these verses one or two at a time for us to discuss and seek how much our Father believes we are worth. I am hoping that after meditating on these 66 verses together that we can all have a clearer, true self-impression and an amazing be the true Princesseswe were made to be....for the King's Glory.

God says I'm:

Matt 5:13
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." NIV

What did Jesus mean when He said you are the salt of the earth?

Your salty friend Pamela

Friday, October 30, 2009

He Used His Hands!

Hey Y'all

No new news yet on the Army, so I'm going to get right to it!

I don't know about you, but sometimes I struggle with what I believe others think about me...including God.

I've been to seminary.....even graduated with an Master's of Divinity in Christian Ed. So I know the correct faith terms and theology. I can quote you chapter and verse on most of the scriptures about God's love for us.
I don't question His love for me at all.
I don't question His love for the world either.

Sometimes....I question my own worth in His eyes. Examples: When I've grumped at Zoie or Mike, When I look in the mirror and see my unconquered struggles with my height verses my width problem, (*_*) or when I put too many other things in front of my time with Him. As these questions hit me...only for a few minutes/hours sometimes...I rely on my ministerial training and "my chosen to fight verses." I even go to my own experience as a mother and how my like/love for Zoie doesn't change when she truly lets me down. And even on my best days as a mom, it is so minuscule, that it isn't even able to be picked up by the most powerful scope man has ever developed, compared to God as a parent.

Alas...the fact still remains that sometimes I don't feel loved, liked or special.

This is a lie-bondage! It can only be broken by believing the Truth and only the Truth....God's Truth.

In my Sweet Tuesday's (isn't that a cute name y'all?) Bible study, we are going through Jennifer Rothschild's Finger Prints of God. It is amazing! We are on week four already and I have learned so much. One thing that I have added to my arsenal in this fight I've described above is from week One. I just can't get it out of my head or my praise.

It is taken from the creation story. Now I need to confess that looking at the creation story I was a little sceptical about learning anything. (PRIDE) Because I have written that story and have dissected it many many many many times over the past 13 years writing the Access Bible Study Special Ed. Curriculum for LifeWay. But in all those years, I had never noticed this one tiny tidbit of a fact.

God spoke all of creation into being....everything that is recorded about the creation of the world...He spoke into being...except you and me. Look in Genesis 2:7; 21-22. In these verses God formed man and woman.


I don't know about you...but if God could speak all of creation into being...including light..but chose to form me with HIS HANDS! Well! That just puts a whole new light on what I think He thinks of me...and you.

I've decided to try something and I am hoping you will join me. In one of our counseling sessions at Grace Life International, we were given a handout on what God thinks of me as a believer...a new creation through Jesus. There are 66 verses on this handout from the New Testament relating to what God thinks about us. I am going to post one or two a week and lets discuss these together.

What do you think? Are you interested in these 66 verses? Want to be surprised at what God thinks about you?

I think we are all going to be amazed and astounded.

Love ya!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I Need To......

Hey Y'all,
I need to...

1) Let you know that Mike finally had his physical! Barr any unforeseen blood work problems, he passed with flying colors! Next step is for his recruiter to now gather all his paperwork and get it ready for the November boards. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! Our recruiter's record on correct paperwork is not so great...but I'm believing that He will be able to complete this task and get Mike before the boards....In NOVEMBER!

The second thing I need to do is apologize to you my friends and readers. After my last post, a few of my dear friends pointed out a few things to me. I am so grateful to have friends who feel they can warn me of patterns, or miss-steps they see me making. God has blessed me with such friends and I love Him for this blessing. I love them for the obedience, courage and love it takes to confront a friend.

What I need to apologize for is....while I have been open and sharing about the struggles this past year, especially my anger and stress, I have not been as open about the peace or blessings that have also come. I would give you little snippets. But after looking back over my post since Mike lost his job last January....well...lets just say...I don't sound at peace or as joyful of my life a I am. God has blessed us tremendously! While I have been learning to be real and open about my struggles and feelings....because I used to be that lady with the smile on her face all the know us we look like we are full of faith or just silly...I quit sharing how God moves and blesses me. How that my faith is real, and I serve a God who loves me so much! A God who even though Mike and I neither one has had a full time job since January, we still have no credit card debt. How He has blessed us with great friends and family. How we have all stayed healthy with little to no insurance right now. How He continues to provide....I don't understand it...bills being drafted later or earlier when the money is in the bank...I don't even try to figure it out anymore...all I know is that even though there are no extras..there have been no loses. He has kept us feed. And while I complain and worry and put those feelings out here for you to see, I hold back on the peace. But let me share this loud and is not the is not the fact that friends and family have been so supportive and helpful...its not the miracles...its not the signs of His is His presence in the midst of all these storms...that is what brings the peace. All these other things are the result of His presence. I thank Him for them all and they have been immeasurable! But it has been HIS presence even when I was complaining and fussing, writing out for you see my stomping foot here and on FB...even as I typed each exclamation mark...I felt HIM. I felt HIS arms holding me and letting me hit HIS chest. I felt HIS gentle, "Shhhhhh it's alright, I've got you." What I failed often to do is to also type this into my post. I can't be real about one but not about the other. So today I apologize and promise that I will try to be better about being real about all things...not just the good or the bad....all things.

So now I need to give HIM THE GLORY IN ALL THINGS!

Thanks for listening.
I love you

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Mad! Mad! Mad!

Hi Y'all,
I wish that I could post an amazingly grace and spirit filled devotion today, but the truth is I can't. I am not feeling grace or spirit filled myself right now. I am angry!
No, I am MAD!

Mike went down to Fort Jackson last night...was sent to the wrong hotel...after finally getting to the right hotel, waking at 3:45 this morning and going over to Fort Jackson....he was informed that our recruiter had not sent the proper forms and Mike was not on the docket.

In other physical!

Time off of work...for nothing.
Gas to and from Fort Jackson...for nothing.
People getting up at 4:00 this morn to pray for Mike's physical...seems to be wasted.
(I know prayer is never wasted....but it seems that way today.)

The best we can hope for is that he can get a call next week.

Here's the thing...we need to get in the Army or God needs to provide one of us with a full time job!

I fully believe that God takes care of His children. I fully believe that He will not allow us to go hungry. I am scared where He may take us down to however. Will we have to sell our home because we can't pay for it? Will we have to sell my antiques just so we can pay bills?'s that serious.
I am thinking about putting a Victrola I have dated between 1915 and 1920 up for sale. It is in great shape. Its a table top, hand crank Victrola with records. It still works!

God has never let me down...even when I was a Semester/Innovator missionary in my 20's. I was only getting $50 a month from what was then known as the Southern Baptist Home Mission Board. God provided...never got in dept.

I have to believe He will do it again.

What if He don't?

What if we lose our house?

Like Those three heroes of old standing before the fiery furnace...Even if He doesn't I will still serve Him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Maybe now I can give grace and feel the Spirit's own forgiveness in my life today.

I love you

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Quick Praise!

Hey Y'all,
I know I haven't posted in a while. It has been because I have been working on a LifeWay deadline, fighting back issues again, and also testing and subbing at school. Really anything to make's tight with both Mike and I working part-time.

Which leads me to this quick praise

Drum roll please....

Mike got cleared to do his Physical with the army! He goes next Thursday morning 5:30 Eastern Time!

God moved the wall and we are set to complete his packet.

What a mighty God we serve!

This doesn't mean we are in....we just get to make the next steps.

But we so believe that an Army Chaplain is what God had in His mind when He first thought of Mike.

Celebrating High today

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tripping Over This Story!

Hey Y'all,

Here's the latest update on our long journey to the Army Chaplaincy. Last week we received word that the MEPS doctor did say that the letter from our primary physician was enough to satisfy the allergy issues....YES! But...oh how I sometimes hate that word....he (The MEPS doctor) now needed more from our physician on Mike's IBS....what IBS? It seems that 6 years ago, Mike was having some problems with his digestive system and the doctor did some tests. Nothing was found to cause the issues... so it was ruled IBS...irritable bowel syndrome. No medicine was ever given and the problem resolved itself. No further problems of this nature have happened since. The MEPS doctor is being cautious. I understand. It would be a huge problem to be in the middle of a conflict, in an isolated and remote area, and have your chaplain with....uhm...let's say...bathroom distress. Our physician did a detailed physical on Mike today and has sent another letter to the army; stating that he has not treated Mike for any IBS type symptoms for the last 6 years, and can find no evidence that he has any digestive tract issues of any nature!
Hopefully this will be enough and Mike can go get the MEPS physical and complete his packet to now go before the November boards. Pray for and with us us about this.

Now for my post.

I love stories! No, you don't quiet get it....I...LOVE.....STORIES! I love reading them, telling them, hearing them, and creating them.

One vision I have of what might be in heaven, is a large room lined wall to wall, with books of all colors, shapes and sizes. In each book, there is the story of a life lived. The stories in the book will tell of every second that person has lived here on earth, and with God eternally. The stories about the life lived on earth, will not only have the full details of that life lived out in the physical world, but also what was happening in the spiritual world. We would be able to read about every service the angels preformed for this person. We would also see how every prayer, laughter, and tear affected the heavenlies. Would that not be fascinating? To read in amazement about loved ones, brothers and sisters...unknown to us now... about how fully God interacted with their lives? I tell you the thought gives me chills! I could record the physical facts of my life...what I remember...and what I'd have to research, but to also have recorded by the One, who only forgets my repented sins, what only He knows. WOW! Just simmer there a moment and let that sizzle a little around in your spirit. Swirl it deep into your heart, mind, and soul. Let it penetrate to the marrow of your being....then think of this.....

It's not your story after all

It's really only volumes of one story...GOD"S STORY. He is the main character! We are just mere supporting roles!

That bites at my pride a little, but also it makes my spirit sing out for joy!


I love that you and I are part of it together!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Ooops! That's Me Right There Beside Myself!

Hey Y'all,
The last few weeks have been a little wobbly. We all have been caught in a weird game of "Hopscotch" vs. "Twister" on the path of "Life". We still are waiting on the next direction from the Army. Will it be come get the physical and finish your packet? Will it be go get another allergy test? Or will it be Strike Three Your Out?!" We are praying it is the first one! Since neither Mike or I are working steadily full-time hours, this makes our balance over the finance dots precocious to say the least.

This weekend we were both trying to balance our faith and trust in God over these issues, with the question what is our next move? We went back and faith was up, so I could encourage him...His faith was up, so he could encourage me. Several times God reminded us of His faithfulness. From having some wonderful meals provided for us out of fellowship and generosity, to feeding our spirits as we went and worshipped at Thrive church with Lisa Whittle. The message along with the worship, stirred our hearts and challenged our minds to trust the One...we gave up all to follow. Thanks Pastor Scott! Coming home we talked about how we both take back those worries way to often, and don't truly let go of them in God's hands. We say we do with our heads. I believe to the best that we understand at the time, we do lay them there. But somewhere, we hear that we need to now act or do something and that's when we take it up again. Maybe it's because like the disciples of old, we do not think Jesus is acting fast enough. Or maybe like them, we are looking for Him to do something different. No matter the reason why I take it back up, the truth honestly comes down to trust. Trust His decision. Trust His timing. Trust His way.

We are trying again. TURST! TRUST! TRUST!

It isn't easy. Especially when new worries assail you everyday. Today, Zoie came home and had made an "F" on her first math test in 5th grade. She was crushed. The teacher is letting the class take a retest tomorrow. (She wasn't the only one. It's a new math textbook and they started out with expanded numbers and exponents. Actually makes my brain hurt.)

There is a verse that I have been holding onto and now I am memorizing. I actually posted about it in my last post.

Psalm 94:19 "In the multitudes of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delights my soul." NKJV

Last night I looked it up in the other translations

NLT---"When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."

The Message---"When I am upset and beside myself, You calm me down and cheer me up!"

Wow! God doesn't just want to take care of our anxieties, doubts or what sets us beside ourselves! He WILL CHEER US UP!

So tonight, as I am bombarded with the doubts about our future, Zoie's grades and feeling beside myself. I'm going to look to the one who is always beside me, in front of me, behind me, and in me! The ONE TRUE GOD...MY HOPE...MY LOVE...and MY CHEER.


Hey! I'm a smiling already! (*_*)
Love ya

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm Giving Up My "V" Colored Glasses!

Hey Y'all!

Still no word about a medical waiver from the Army for Mike yet, so keep praying. We did miss the September Board deadline but are still praying to be before the November boards.

I had to start wearing glasses when I was 16 years old. I found out I was nearsighted in Driver's Ed. class. I was devastated. To make matters worse, I could not wear contacts. I felt like those glasses just compounded to my own ugliness and would often choose not to wear them.

Over the years I have come to value seeing everything more clearer, over looking prettier. There is more value to me now in knowing the truth about small details, and having a clear perspective.

Which is why it came as a complete surprise recently, when I discovered that I have been wearing two pair of glasses!

One pair helps my eyes focus on the details in this world, while the other (to my utter shock) blurs my spiritual vision. I have been wearing "V" colored glasses! The truth is these are the wrong wasn't even from my doctor! The Great Physician!

The enemy has been sneaky and got me to wear these "V" glasses. They have clouded my spiritual vision to see myself as a.....


Being born with a physical disability = Victim.
Being of short stature = Victim.
Teased and called "Crippled Midget" = Victim.
Being mislabeled by teachers as "Slow" = Victim.
An attempted molestation at age 9 = Victim.
Being called the "Ugliest girl in school" by the cutest boy in school = Victim.
Not getting married until I was 36 years old = Victim.
Having been sexually assaulted = Victim.
Hard pregnancy = Victim.
Being told we were a sterile couple and could have no more children = Victim.
Many Health issues...some life and death = Victim.
Persecuted for following Christ even among "Christians" = Victim.
Struggling with my looks and self worth = Victim.

The list could go on and on. I know I'm not alone and that many have even worst cases for supporting wearing the "Victim" glasses. But here's the God revealed to me that I had been wearing these glasses...and I decided to take them off...New Vision...True Vision has taken place. God placed on my head the correct prescription for "V" glasses.


I'm not only a survivor, but a Victor! I began to see how with each trial God brought with it an abundance of blessings. In each case listed as a victim above, I can name at least 10 blessings God has given me or has used me to bless someone else. That my friends = Victory! I didn't just overcome these things they have brought both Glory to God and blessings to me!

Why don't you join me by throwing away your own "Victim" glasses for "Victory" glasses and take a good clear look at your blessings

Psalm 94:19 "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul."

Love you all so much you are one of my most treasured blessings

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Treading Water

Hi Y'all,

We are still waiting to hear if Mike has gotten a waiver from the Army. I am hoping we will hear something today. The waiting is what is hard.

I'd like to share with you something I just learned to do this summer. I learned how to tread water! You'd think at my age...I would have learned this a long time ago, but after almost drowning at 16...waiting 31 years doesn't seem to long! (*_*)

I've been a little scared of the water since then. Several times over the years I have tried to take swimming lessons or just learn with a buddy. Mike has tried to teach me. The truth is I can swim like a fish in the shallow end, but as soon as I realize I can't touch bottom....I panic! I don't mean a little all out terror engulfs me and the water becomes an evil super power like the rip tide did many years ago. This has been a fear...irrational as it is...that has kept me from enjoying a lot of things in my life.

This summer, a friend of ours offered us the use of their pool. So we went often. Zoie and I swam in the shallow end, while Mike would swim in the deeper end. A couple times I would brave the deep end with a noodle. Soon though, I got confident enough to try to swim from the deep end to where I could touch as long as Mike swam beside me. Zoie too began to gain more confidence in her own swimming ability and would swim from the deep end to her dad. The last time we went, Mike tried to get me to tread water. I told him no, that I would panic. He looked at me and said, "Pamela, you must trust. (there was that word again, the one I been working on for the past 3 years!) Look, the water here is only about 5 inches over your head. If you sink you can kick back up with hardly no effort. Besides, you have already swam the length of the pool. I'm right here and there is no way you can drown." I could not argue with his logic, so I reluctantly agreed to try. He demonstrated how to move your arms and legs and pulled me beside him. He then said something profound, "Pamela, take it easy. Don't fight the water. Think like a dog. A dog in deep water makes big, slow, easy strokes. He does this to rest and use the water."

We counted to 3 then I let go. I wish I could say that I didn't panic, but at first I did and of course started to sink. Then I heard the words "rest and use the water"again. In an instant, I was treading water! It was a blast!

That is what I am doing right now. Taking it slow and easy, using big steps of faith, resting and using these uncertain circumstances to help me stay afloat. Treading water is not floating. It is work! I had soar muscles for a couple days after doing it the first time. These unknown circumstances are both uncertain and unpredictable. But, by treading with rest and faith, they do not control me. They are not pulling me under. I'll keep moving my arms of faith and kicking my knees to prayer, I'll make circles through God's Word and keep my eyes on the goal....following Jesus...even into unknown and deep water.

I love you all.
Wanna go for a swim?

PS. Thanks for all your prayers please keep them coming.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Wanting Lies and Boulders Pulverized

Hey Y'all,
This is an update and sequal to yesterday's post.

Mike went to our primary care physician this morning. He looked over Mike's records then talked to the allergist who tested Mike 8-9 years ago and both agreed that Mike does not have any food allergies. They drafted a letter to the army supporting this fact and we are praying that this will be all we need to get the waiver. Neither Dr. has ever had to treat Mike for any allergies of any kind. Mike called his recruiter to tell him the letter was going to be faxed there. The recruiter said this may or may not be enough to get the waiver. We may still have the boulder in front of us. I have started praising. I know that sounds a little crazy but it is what my spirit is telling me to do. Praise! I serve THE God who spits out stars. I sever the only true God. I serve the God who can not....not act in my best intrest. I serve The Living God...The LORD JEHOVAH. Even if my God decides not to move this boulder...I will praise Him. His way is far better than mine. He who can see and be in the past present and future all at the same time...knows where the path around, through, under, or over that will lead us to His Promised Land for us here and then on to Glory with Him. So I'm praising Him. I'm singing and shouting praises for my God to this boulder. I'll sing when it falls down like Jerico and I'll sing and shout if it stands and we are lead in another direction. Can you hear me? I'm a shouting right now. Its my war cry!

This Southern Belle is letting out a godly yell!

WHOOHOOO! that fewlt good!

Now for the lies about my writing. One of the biggest stumbling blocks I have is the mechanics of writing. Growing up in the mid sixties in a small town in the south, with a handicap had many disadvantages. One was that it was assumed that since I wore a brace on my leg that I must also have one on my brain. By the second grade I was tired of defending myself every time I made a hundred ona test. The teachers and other students would accuse me of cheating. As a seven year old wanting people to like her, I decided not to make any more hundreds or A's...ever! At first it was hard getting things wrong on purpose. But then as new things were introduced and I would half pay was easy. If you do not learn the material...well you get the idea. Soon I forgot about this desicion and I too believed that I was as slow and retarded as they thought. I graduated high school with a low "C"/"D" average.
It was by the grace of God that I even got into collage.

During my first Writing 101 class, we were assigned a one page essay. When it came back it did not have a grade on it...just a note..."See me immediattly after class!" I was scared! The professor sent me straight to her office to make an appointment with her. During that apponitment she she told me "When I finished reading your paper, I was astonished. I have never seen a freshman who could take a subject and run it through the entire paper the way that you did. Once I could read it your paper is remarkable. The problem is that it took me almost 2 hours just to read your paper. How can you write so well when you are functionally illiterate?"
I will never forget those words. They both encouraged and discouraged me like riding a drop zone ride at an amusement park. She sat down and taught me that say simple sentance structure. I was able to pass collage with a high "C"/ low "B" average. I later graduated seminary with a solid "B" average.
Yet the mechanics of grammer has always been a puzzle to me. I think I'm so sure that I can't do it right that I sabatoge myself before I even start. Even as I have been sharing this I have made more spelling and gramatical mistakes than I have in years.
How is it that even when we know it is a lie in our heads we can still be defeated by it?

So there you have one of my biggest fears/lies. Pray with me that I will get my eyes off of what I can or can not do and just beieve that the Lord Himself will guide my fingers and my mind.

I will update you occasionally about my own "Much Afraid's" adventure. So do you know any easy to learn grammer books out there?

And just so you know what I'm talking about...I'm not going to spell check or have Mike or Zoie proof this for me. THis is me raw!


Monday, August 24, 2009

Boulders, Slipping Feet and Eggs!

Hey Y'all!

That path I told you about in my last post, just took a few steps and already...and I have discovered a boulder in the way the size of a whole Army! In fact it is the Army, or at least the MEPS (medical ) portion. 8 years ago, Mike had an allergy test done and one of the things listed on the test was an allergy to eggs. Well we laughed! Mike has continued to eat eggs and things that contain eggs almost everyday. This allergy showed up on his medical records and the Army has automatically given him a medical disqualification. We tried to get a waiver but was turned down. Our next step is to get a doctor to officially document that this is a non medical issue. Mike will see our primary doctor tomorrow. His name is Dr. Villamore. Please pray he will be able to give Mike the right paperwork to put this issue to rest. We need this done so that Mike can complete his physical, and get his packet to the board before September 3rd. We believe with all our hearts this is God's will for us. He is a God who can pulverize boulders. So would you pray with me for the next few days, in order that we may see the mighty, boulder-breaking hand of God move. And then all involved will be amazed at His handiwork?

I have to admit, my faith and feet has slipped a couple times the last few days. Tears of fear and faith have battled for my attention and emotions. This path I am on will take me not only into the Army as a chaplain's wife, but also into a new direction in my ministry. I'm going to say it out loud or I will continue to dodge it and deny it, so here it goes. I believe I am to write more.
This scares me. I know what some of you are thinking...Pamela, you have been blogging this devotional for over a year. Pamela, haven't you been writing Special Ed Bible Study for 13 years?
Yes to both...but both are a different type of writing. The curriculum is creative "how to" with fun takes on the Bible stories and an application story. The blog...well it is more like sitting and chatting with you.
I'm a little scared of the kind of writing, I feel God is asking me to do. I took a correspondence writing course once, and it became clear that I could tell a story, but not show the story. In other words, I speak it better than I write it!

Please pray for me as I seek out this steep path. I feel a little like Abraham, as he left for the land God would show him, not having a map or GPS to guide him. I don't even know what tomorrow's step will be.

I love you all and I am trying to be as real as I can. Your prayers are needed. Your advice is more than welcome. I'll post a little more tomorrow about some more of the fears (I mean lies) that are in my head and fingers. I ultimately want to follow my Jesus up this treacherous looking path. Will you help me?

Thank you for listening.
I love you.
Still "Much Afraid" Pamela

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Walking On Unbalanced Shoes!

I need your help. The enemy is kicking my but! It is little things that seem like such boulders and they seem to big to move.

I feel so much like a character in one of my favorite books called Hinds Feet On High Places.
Her name is "Much Afraid" and I am "Much Afraid."

In this allegory of a Christians walk with God, Much Afraid is attacked by her evil family every step of the way, on her path to the High Places. Her cousin "Craven Fear" and his friends "Pride" and "Bitterness" constantly assault her and torment her as she seeks to Follow the Good Shepherd up the path He has for her. Her companions on this journey are "Sorrow and Suffering."

Well "Much Afraid's" enemies have been attacking me like crazy! I feel like Jesus wants me to follow up a steep path. A hard path...but one with a glorious treasure and view at the top. However like "Much Afraid," I feel inadequate, scared, and can only see the obstacles.

I've read the faith knows that if I follow Jesus, I will be able to make this matter how hard...all the way to the top. I also the top of this path, is so much better than what I am comfortable with here....yet...I am still much afraid.

I need your prayers. Today I am making the first steps up this steep cliff. My feet are shaky and I am feeling very I am trying to climb with my feet in one flat shoe and the other with an 8 inch spiked heel!

But stepping I am. May God grant me Hinds feet to follow Him to the high places. May I listen no more to "Bitterness," "Pride," or "Craven Fear." May all the more, Jesus receive the Glory!

Thank you for your friendship and prayers
A wobbly much afraid Pinkshoelady

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Giver is Now Receiving The Ultimate Gift!

In this life he was a giver!
He gave, time, compassion, prayers, advice, and love.
I've never known him to hold anything back. If he could help, he did. He was the first everyone "who knew him," called when help was needed. You knew, that if he found out you had needed help and didn't let him know, he would be hurt.

Oh, people did take advantage of him...but then...he gave forgiveness.

My friend Bonnie is now being given to, in person, by the Great Giver.
God called Bonnie home Friday night while I was at the Proverbs 31 She Speaks conference.
To tell you the truth, I was torn....stay where I believe God called me...or rush home to be with the family. It was a struggle!

Every time I was at the point where I was ready to pack up my things and call it quits...I would see his face.
He would lay both arms across my shoulders or put his finger in my face and in a firm but loving voice say, "You stay where you are! Don't you come home." I learned many years ago it was useless to argue with Bonnie. You just obeyed. So I stayed.

I made it home on Sunday, after the conference, for the visitation.
I was amazed at the people. This man had loved and helped so many!
Honestly, I had always thought I was special...I was amazed....yes...I was were so many others.
We all felt special to this man who could love so deeply. Many there felt like I did, that they were losing a second father.


To love so deeply that people feel you are part of the family...loved like a daughter or son!
Please God, help me to love like that....I don't. I want to. It is the way You love.

Look at the picture above.
This is Bonnie loving me at my wedding. My favorite picture....with one of my most favorite people ever!

Bonnie, receive all that Jesus has stored for you. You deserve it.
You sure gave us all His love.
I know Jesus better for having been blessed enough to know you.
I miss you.

Thank you Jesus for granting me the blessing of seeing, hearing, and feeling Your love through this "Giver" friend Bonnie.

I love you all

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Putting on Me Some Love

Hey Y'all,
This is a quick one today but it is something I have on my mind after reading in my quiet time this morning.

Colossians 3: 12-17 In these verses Paul is admonishing the believers to "put on" the new man and not walk in the ways of the old man.

He uses the words "put on" several times as in "put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering...But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection."

Put on love? Not feel love? Not dwell in love? Put on love?

Like something that goes on the outside? He goes on to tell us to "let peace rule IN your heart...let the word of God dwell IN you richly." These things are to be in us, while love and kindness, and mercy is for us to put on? Why?

As I have meditated on this today, I think it is because these are actions for outside the body. Things we will do that affect others. While peace and and the Word of God affects us ourselves. So then, these things must play out in our inner being.

It does not mean fake it or wear it like a mask that you can take off. It means wear these things for others to see, hear, touch and even smell on you. Examples: see kindness, feel tender mercies and smell the fragrance of absolute love...His love!

What do you think?

Tonight as I head to church, I think I'm going be putting on a few extra layers so others can take em' off of me and enjoy!

Love Ya!

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Few Fun "What is?" "What Are's?" and "What Do's?"

Hey Y'all,

I found this little game over at Zoe Elmore's blog and thought I'd have a little fun with it today. Wanna play? Just answer these statements by looking at your world at this exact moment.

Outside my a very quiet, sun filled cul-de-sac at the moment. There is a couple flower pots with wild flowers trying to stand tall against the blazing sun.

From the Kitchen...there is a table that has a lot of stuff on it that doesn't belong. Papers and tutoring stuff, that Mike and I just had our 9,999,999th discussion on where is the best place to keep stuff like that besides the kitchen table. It remains undecided.

I am wearing....Black pants, a royal blue tank, and a black and white checked blouse because I had to go to school today and do some testing. Needed to look professional.

I am reading..."The Shape of Mercy" by Susan Meissner. It is a novel about a young Christian woman who is translating a diary from the Salem witch trials. It is very interesting and Meissner is a good writer that keeps you guessing.

I am hoping....That Mike will hear when his MEPS physical for the Army will be so we can hurry up and get into the Army.

I am conference material for this weekend. It is a Special Ed conference in NC. I am talking about Spiritual gifts and our functions in the Body of Christ.

I am praying...For my friend Bonnie's family. The cancer is going to take him away from us but right into the arms of Jesus. His family needs our prayers as they get ready for him to leave. I am also praying for my dad as he has surgery on his jaw tomorrow...a bad tooth has affected his jaw bone and they need to go in and fix it. AGHHHH! Hurts just thinking about it!

One of my favorite to hear Zoie sing and worship. She auditioned for a Christian Dinner Theater called NarroWay in Charlotte yesterday. If she made it we will have a busy but wonderful Christmas.

A few plans for the rest of the week...Family time tonight, My dad having some minor surgery on his jaw tomorrow, Zoie singing at a retiree's luncheon tomorrow, more testing at school, and leaving Friday morning for my conference this weekend.....oh and finishing preps for She Speaks next weekend!

I hope you will answer these questions either here or on your own post and let me know. If not...oh well I had fun sharing mine!

I love you my friends!

Friday, July 17, 2009

My New Best Friend

Hey Y'all,

First, let me say thank you for reading and listening to my heart as I shared the tragedy and healing of my "Almost Story."

This week I have been doing some testing at my school. The church which sponsors our school has been having Vacation Bible School. I asked Zoie if she would like to go. She said, "No!"

She is at that age, where sometimes stuff like that...."is for little kids and just not cool."

Thursday was no option. I had no one to leave her with while I was testing, so reluctantly she agreed to go. I jokingly told her that if she didn't have a good time I would eat a chicken liver...I HATE LIVER!

I went to her room to pick her up and Mrs. Mandy, one of the teacher's, told me that Zoie was in the chapel. "Having some God time." I followed her to the chapel and we waited outside. There were several kids and teachers praying in the chapel. Zoie came out, wiping tears from her eyes, and said, "God really touched my heart today."

Later after lunch, she explained, "Mom, I know I gave my heart to Jesus and was saved when I was four. But today, I understood more of what He did for "me" on the cross. Jesus has been my Savior and my He is my Best Friend! I want to stake it down today!

So we gathered at our family alter (my yellow couch), and knelt together as she poured out her heart to Jesus. Telling Him about her love for Him and what His sacrifice now meant to her.

She staked it down! Forever she can point to that day, kneeling at that yellow couch and again say, "That is the day I went from Jesus being my Lord and now being my BEST FRIEND!"

Needless to say I did not have to eat a chicken liver!

Is He your Savior? Is He your Lord? Is He your Best Friend? Don't you just love those moments when we are renewed afresh with the love God has for us in Christ Jesus. Can you shout with us today that He is once again Your New Best Friend?!

Love you!

Monday, July 13, 2009

King of The Living Truth VS. King of The Almost

Hey Y'all!

I am back with the final chapter of the "Almost Story."

I lay there on his floor, scared and crying. I was too paralyzed to move and yet too scared not too. I didn't know what to do. Couldn't even fathom what had just happened. The person I trusted the most had just become my enemy.

I could hear him in the other room. He was screaming....begging God not to strike him dead. His cries disgusted me. On one hand, I wished God would strike him dead and yet on the other I already knew that God loved him.

I prayed and cried. Then I got up, surprised that I could stand. I walked into the room where he was still screaming. I tapped him on the back and said, "God is not going to strike you dead! You hurt me. I forgive you, but you need help! You are going to call a counselor right now and set up an appointment or you are going to jail!" He knew I meant it. He called the counselor. He went...but I do not know if he ever confessed the truth or not.

We stayed together for two more months and stayed best friends for two more years. This is where the enemy sent his worst lie yet. Because I did not do what I had always believed I would do in a case like this, I began to believe myself to be weak and worthless. Not deserving any better.

You see I had been raised in a strong family. Where both the men and women took care of their own. The legends in our family had been of women who took no crap and were just as tough or tougher than the men. Like my Great-Aunt Hallie Mae, who married at 16 years old. They had to live with her in-laws starting off. Her father-in-law was bad to drink and then beat up on his family. He came home one night drunk and started beating on Aunt Hallie's husband. She picked up a butcher knife in one hand and then slammed her father-in-law against a wall with the other. With the butcher knife at his throat, she warned him that if he ever came home drunk around her again, she would kill him. He never came home drunk fact gave up drinking all together and got his life right with the Lord. Not exactly what we should do today...but you get the picture.

Yet, I had not only not fought back enough, I had forgiven and stayed with this man. I was ashamed of my own actions. I did not want my family to know that I was that weak. This was a lie! The biggest lie in my "Almost." It was not weakness that had me stand and go to this man that day. It was not weakness that said the words, "I forgive you." It wasn't weakness that forgave him again 12 years later when he asked for it anew. It isn't weakness that has finished the forgiving and healing now. We forgive what we know to forgive and as God reveals more we forgive those also. That is strength! God's strength! My family confirmed this after I told them a few weeks ago. They think I'm strong! I know its God!

Our enemy loves the "Almost" events in our lives. Here is where he can lie the most and with the biggest whoppers! When the worst happens. We deal with it much better than when the "Almosts" happens. Maybe because it already is the worst, not something that could have or should have already did happen! So the enemy lies to us in our "Almost" by distorting the facts and twisting the truth. By leading us to feel shame instead of peace and weakness instead of strength. Do you know why he loves the "Almost?" Because he is the King of the "Almosts!" The angel who was "almost" like God. He distorted the truth in the "almost" then and he distorts it our "almost" now. The Truth is that he will never be an "almost" at anything. He is nothing.

God healed me of my "Almost" and continues to strengthen me in His Truth.
Ask God if you have been lied to about an "Almost" in your life. Ask him to help you forgive. Ask Him where He was and what was He saying to you? Then trust His perspective, His truth. Because God is truth and with Him there is never an "Almost" about anything!

Thanks so much for allowing me to share this with you. I know it was heavier and more serious in nature than you are used to reading here. I thank you for reading, praying and encouraging me. You are all a blessing. I love you.


Friday, July 10, 2009

The Truth In The Almost

Hey Y'all,

It's time for as Paul Harvey used to say: The rest of the story.

If you have not read yesterday's post please take a minute to do so.

It wasn't what happened to me that hurt me so much. The event itself was terrible but could have been so much worse. There are a lot more hurting women out there who HAVE experienced worse. For me, it wasn't in the was in the "almost."

To say I was "almost rapped" is an understatement. I can not in this venue describe the details of what happened. But I can describe the worst....The emotions and messages this "almost" event left me carrying and hiding for over 16 years.

After revealing this event to the Mike and the counselor, I began to feel all that had been hidden under a false forgiveness. I had forgiven Preacher Boy for the event but not the emotions and messages. I also had judged myself for my reaction to the event.

I will walk through the emotions and messages with you in this post and deal with my own judgments in the next.

After discussing these new and overwhelming emotions with the counselor, he suggested that we go through a prayer of healing. It is one that is used in Grace Life International counseling and he himself had been through it. Hey, with the out-of-control feelings and fear I was racked in experiencing, I was willing to try anything.

First we prayed and asked God to bring to mind any of the details that HE wanted to deal with and heal. I closed my eyes and sought God and immediately I recalled the event vividly. The counselor asked me to speak what was happening and then give him feeling words. What did I feel.

Here are the words from the transcript:

Scared Angry Fear Shock Worthless Hurt Ugly Numb Disgust Vulnerable Defeated Paralyzed

I was then to rate them on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst.

Scared/10 Angry/10 Fear/10 Shock/9 Worthless/10 Hurt/10 Ugly/10 Numb/10 Disgust/10 Vulnerable/9 Defeated/10 Paralyzed/10

Next he asked me what messages was I hearing about myself.

"I have to hit him." ( I was trying to fight him off of me, but could not because he had me pinned.)
"To him I am nothing" ( This was my best friend! The person I trusted the most for the past 5 years!)
"I am worthless and ugly" ( No one would do this to someone they loved and cherished!)
"I can't stop this" (I am helpless)

We stopped and took a breath. He explained that we would go back to the event one more time. This time asking God to show us where HE was at...what HE was doing and what HE was saying to me at the time. God was there...He had promised to never leave me or forsake me. I just could not see or hear Him because of the overwhelming drowning effect of my emotions in the midst of this event.

I closed my eyes and asked God to reveal to me where HE was and what He had been saying to me at the time.

Friends, I was overwhelmed! God had been there! HE was the reason this was an "almost!" I cannot share in this venue (it is too open) what I saw God do...but let's just say HE is mighty to save! And after seeing it, I have no doubt my FATHER loves me! I will share with you what He said to me after it was over and I lay in a fetal position crying on the floor.

"I am here. I've got you. You ARE safe."
"You are not worthless. You ARE MINE! You are my beautiful Princess!"

Dear friends these words are like balm to my hurt soul. I recognized them as soon as I heard them. I realized that even back then my spirit had...heard them. Here's why: When Zoie was a baby and would cry out of fear or hurt...These were the same words I would say to her. The first time I said them I wondered, "Where did these words come from? My parents didn't say them to me? Why do they bring me as much comfort as they do her?" Now I know. They were the words my FATHER had spoken to me at the scariest and most hurtful time of my life!

The last thing the counselor asked me to do was to once again look at and rate the feelings I had experienced.

To my astonishment....I could not feel them...they were a zero!

Look I know that there are those of you reading this who have been through as bad or worse. I know you may never believe that God was there or that He even cared. I can tell you that if I had compared myself to the man that did God's eyes...using my own criteria....He would have scored far higher than me as far as future worth. But it wasn't my truth that mattered. It's not your either. It's God's truth that matters!

HE is there! HE was there! No matter what you've been through or will go through. I could ask all the "Why's?" there is in the world. "Why did You let it happen?" "Why did You wait 16 years to heal me?" But the truth is now that I'm doesn't matter. What matters is that I am healed. I am free from the fear and anger that has "eaten me up!" for years! I am healed to share it with you now and to others as He opens the door.

HE is here! HE has got me! I am SAFE! I am HIS beautiful Princess!

So are you!

Next post I will share more about my judgements I made against myself in the aftermath of my "almost." Please come sit with me once more as I share the most wicked and powerful lie the enemy sent in my "almost."

Love you!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

What Lies In The Almost!

Hey Y'all,

I want you to pray for me. In fact I need to pray about this right now:

Dear Father,
Lord I am a little scared about sharing this story. I'm excited about what You are going to do and I am amazed at what You have already done in and through this story. Please prepare hearts to read it. Prepare my mind and my fingers to tell it, and most of all, let it only be as if You were the one sitting down to tell it. In other words, I only want it to be what You want to share and what You want to be understood. May every reader understand that all glory goes to You and may they know You more by the telling of it. I know I sure do!
Thank You
Your Princess

To my sister Amy: I'm sorry Hon for not being able to tell you in person first. I feel God saying it is time. So my dear sister and friends here is what I wanted to tell you.

I sat in the counselor's office shaking and fidgeting. I wasn't sure why I was so nervous. I was to continue forgiving people on my forgiveness list and I had done the hard ones last week. My heart was pounding and my foot was bouncing on the floor. We said a prayer to begin and I started through my list. On our list we had been instructed to write out the person's name in one column, the offense in the next column and how it made me feel in the last column. I had done that to all the names but one. It was the one I was coming to today. I rationalized that I had forgiven him many years ago, so I didn't really need to go into detail. Yet, I knew that the Spirit was compelling me to put down his name...and I had.

When his name came up, it was like a switch went on in side of me and I was transported back to that horrible day. I may not have been able to write it down but sitting there in that office, I could not stop the words or emotions that suddenly cascaded out of my mouth and heart.

Today as I sit here and write this, the details are not what is is the feelings and the lies that I believed that are what changed me. The healing is also what God wants you to know.

We sat on his couch, laughing and talking about the all-night prayer retreat that had just ended. It had went wonderful and we had seen some lives change and people encouraged. God had moved and we had basked in His presence. I was tired and decided to lay in the floor. Preacher Boy (because I don't want to use his name) got down beside me and started massaging my shoulders. This was my best friend. I loved him.

OK, I have written this then deleted it 6 times. Help me Lord....

Bottom line...I was sexually assaulted by someone I was best friend. I was not raped...but what did happen was against my will and was assault. I believe looking back that had it not been for God's grace I would have been raped that day.

I shared this event it detail to my counselor and Mike. I shared it with all the emotion of when it happened. Both Mike and my counselor were in shock. I had shared this event with Mike once before we were married, but not like what came out that day...not the details or the emotions.

Inside of me I knew something had just broke open and I was never going to be the that time I really didn't have a clue as to just how different it was going to be.

We spent the rest of the time talking about this event, then the counselor led me through the prayer of forgiveness one more time and it was done. The chains had been cut, now all that was left was the healing.

The healing I will share in detail....tomorrow.

My prayer is that you will read and see how much the enemy will lie to us and how God lifts us up to freedom through HIS TRUTH.

It was not what happened that harmed was in the almost that I was crushed damaged and abused by my spiritual enemy.

Come back tomorrow and see what GOD DID FOR ME! WHAT HE IS AND WANTS TO DO FOR YOU!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Free Like a Rosie!

Hey Y'all!

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!

I have been thinking a lot about freedom lately. Not just because of the holiday, but more so because I have recently been set free from the bondage of un-forgiveness.

As we were driving to my parents house, I was brought to a renewed awareness of just how much freedom will aggrandize (increase to the point of praise) our pastures.

For the past year or more we have passed a horse on the way to my parents house. She had a small grass less pasture...and I do mean grass less. It was dirt, stubble and fire ant hills at its best and mud at its worst. This pasture was not very big...only about a house lot size at the most. We watched in horror as the horse's health declined in that little pasture. Soon she looked like only skin and bone. Zoie said she looked more like a camel than a horse. Several times my parents reported that they had seen animal services checking on the horse. But nothing really changed for the better. There would be a load of hay brought in but it was just stuck out in the pasture. Because it was not would soon grow mold and mildew. They had an old bathtub out there for water. That is until this hungry horse, started eating the fiberglass sides off in chunks. My family often talked about this poor horse and more than once my dad had talked to the family that owned her.

My sister's husband is a large animal vet who specializes in horses. One day about a month ago my sister was visiting my mom and had to drive past this horse. She was crying when she came into the house. She told my mom to ask the people if she could buy the horse from them. My dad talked to the family and they would not sell it...but gave it to her instead!

That was about a month ago. My family gathered at my sister's house on a Sunday a little over a week ago. As we drove down her long driveway with horse pastures on each side, we tried to pick out "Rosie." After all the hugs and greetings when we got there, I asked Amy about the horse. She grinned as I followed her out onto her porch. She walked to the end and whistled a loud Ellie Mae Clampet type whistle. Up from below a ridge came two horses. Both were beautiful! Both excited to hear the whistle, because they knew that something wonderful was in store from them from the whistler. Zoie and Amy walked down to the pasture fence and fed them carrot treats. Rosie's coat was shiny, she had filled out considerably and she was happy. She nuzzled Amy with love and gratitude as if she knew that this was the master who had been the one to save her and set her free. I believe she does truly know!

Driving past that once small pasture where Rosie had been bound to die of starvation, where she did not have room to run, was alone and unloved, where she had eaten dirt and a bathtub to survive, I realized that I too had been Rosie. Trapped in a too small pasture bound by un-forgiveness, starving my self of the trust and fellowship I often craved. Settling for dirt instead of the true food of freedom. Allowing the enemy to sting me like fire ants as I sought and scrounged for anything to sustain me. I too needed a rescuer a new master.

Thank you Jesus for rescuing me. Thank you for sending me to broader pasture, enough food and being a master who loves, cares and even gives me treats!

This week I will share the own "Rosie" story. Only be preparred it is anything but rosey!

I am free like a horse named Rosie!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hammers, Deep Fog, And A Loving God

Hey Y'all!

Keep praying for us. We are still healing, learning to share the stories, and wrestling with this world of flesh. We need your prayers concerning the Army. One of the next steps is for Mike to interview with a Commanding Chaplain ( I'm not sure of the rank, you'll have to forgive me I am still trying to learn the jargon.) Mike got an e-mail yesterday telling us that the Chaplain he was going to interview with is having surgery and will be out for 6 weeks. So now we will have to find another chaplain. Pray that we will listen, discern and trust God's steps here. I keep reminding myself...God's timing...God's timing.

After worrying about this interview this morning, God reminded me what happened last Thursday. I'd like to share it with you.

We sat together laughing over our country ham biscuits and a coke at McDonalds. She did not know the turmoil going on inside of me. My heart was unsettled. I had cried out to God all night asking why....why haven't we heard? Why does it feel as if you don't want us to serve you? I know you do...but right now it feels like you are saying no and rejecting us....just like others have. I know you love us....I know you have guided us....I will choose to trust you....but right now it is hard, because I can't see and I don't understand how I can feel you calling us to do something, but make the way seem impossible.

She didn't know. So we laughed about little things. Then she looks at me and asked, "Did I tell you about my trip to Asheville?" "No. Did you have a good time?"

She began telling me the story. They had went to Asheville on a weekend getaway. She plays the hammer dulcimer. A shop there had invited them to come for a concert and workshop from a champion dulcimer player. As she started telling me about the workshop, my mind drifted back to my worries. I forced myself back to listening...."The instructor told us that we needed to let go of our grasp of the hammers, in order to have control of them. Isn't that just like life?" My heart and spirit finally jumped together as one. That's what God is trying to get me to do...let go of the hard grasp of the plan and let Him control the music.

OK, God....I trust you even if you take us to a different song than the one we believe you are guiding us to play...even if it means starting over again...even if it means....well, whatever it means....I'm relaxing the grip and letting you have control of the hammers in my life. You play Your song.

She then went on to tell me that both her and her husband had felt impressed that they should hike to the top of the mountain, where they were staying, and worship God the next morning. They planned to sing together, play her dulcimer and have their own worship service at the top of the mountain.
As she awoke the next morning she was heart broken to find the whole area engulfed in a deep thick fog. She was stricken...."But God! I thought you asked us to come to the top of the mountain? We wont be able to see in the fog and the moisture will damage the dulcimer." After contemplating about whither they needed to wait until later or not go at all, they decided to follow the first directions...even though it made no sense. So they gathered their stuff and hiked up the mountain. What did they find when they got to the top? They were above the fog! Everything was beautiful and dry! They worshipped fully and completely the God who sees above the fog!

Again I heard the Spirit rejoicing with my heart...."I see what you do not. I see through the fog. Do you trust me?" "Yes, Lord completely!" I teared up and thanked my friend for her story. As I shared with her my worries and how God used her stories to speak to my heart, we both worshipped and rejoiced at God and His faithfulness.

I got home and began to go about my day. I sent Zoie out to the mailbox and there in a big envelope was the endorsement we had been longing for and desiring. The confirmation from our denomination that they believe we would make a good chaplain and wife team.

God saw above our fog and can see above this interview.

What has fogged you in? Release your grasp on the hammers, follow even through the fog to the top, where you can worship and play beautiful music with your life for the Lord who sees and makes it all clear!

Love you all!