It's time for as Paul Harvey used to say: The rest of the story.
If you have not read yesterday's post please take a minute to do so.
It wasn't what happened to me that hurt me so much. The event itself was terrible but could have been so much worse. There are a lot more hurting women out there who HAVE experienced worse. For me, it wasn't in the event...it was in the "almost."
To say I was "almost rapped" is an understatement. I can not in this venue describe the details of what happened. But I can describe the worst....The emotions and messages this "almost" event left me carrying and hiding for over 16 years.
After revealing this event to the Mike and the counselor, I began to feel all that had been hidden under a false forgiveness. I had forgiven Preacher Boy for the event but not the emotions and messages. I also had judged myself for my reaction to the event.
I will walk through the emotions and messages with you in this post and deal with my own judgments in the next.
After discussing these new and overwhelming emotions with the counselor, he suggested that we go through a prayer of healing. It is one that is used in Grace Life International counseling and he himself had been through it. Hey, with the out-of-control feelings and fear I was racked in experiencing, I was willing to try anything.
First we prayed and asked God to bring to mind any of the details that HE wanted to deal with and heal. I closed my eyes and sought God and immediately I recalled the event vividly. The counselor asked me to speak what was happening and then give him feeling words. What did I feel.
Here are the words from the transcript:
Scared Angry Fear Shock Worthless Hurt Ugly Numb Disgust Vulnerable Defeated Paralyzed
I was then to rate them on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst.
Scared/10 Angry/10 Fear/10 Shock/9 Worthless/10 Hurt/10 Ugly/10 Numb/10 Disgust/10 Vulnerable/9 Defeated/10 Paralyzed/10
Next he asked me what messages was I hearing about myself.
"I have to hit him." ( I was trying to fight him off of me, but could not because he had me pinned.)
"To him I am nothing" ( This was my best friend! The person I trusted the most for the past 5 years!)
"I am worthless and ugly" ( No one would do this to someone they loved and cherished!)
"I can't stop this" (I am helpless)
We stopped and took a breath. He explained that we would go back to the event one more time. This time asking God to show us where HE was at...what HE was doing and what HE was saying to me at the time. God was there...He had promised to never leave me or forsake me. I just could not see or hear Him because of the overwhelming drowning effect of my emotions in the midst of this event.
I closed my eyes and asked God to reveal to me where HE was and what He had been saying to me at the time.
Friends, I was overwhelmed! God had been there! HE was the reason this was an "almost!" I cannot share in this venue (it is too open) what I saw God do...but let's just say HE is mighty to save! And after seeing it, I have no doubt my FATHER loves me! I will share with you what He said to me after it was over and I lay in a fetal position crying on the floor.
"I am here. I've got you. You ARE safe."
"You are not worthless. You ARE MINE! You are my beautiful Princess!"
Dear friends these words are like balm to my hurt soul. I recognized them as soon as I heard them. I realized that even back then my spirit had...heard them. Here's why: When Zoie was a baby and would cry out of fear or hurt...These were the same words I would say to her. The first time I said them I wondered, "Where did these words come from? My parents didn't say them to me? Why do they bring me as much comfort as they do her?" Now I know. They were the words my FATHER had spoken to me at the scariest and most hurtful time of my life!
The last thing the counselor asked me to do was to once again look at and rate the feelings I had experienced.
To my astonishment....I could not feel them...they were a zero!
Look I know that there are those of you reading this who have been through as bad or worse. I know you may never believe that God was there or that He even cared. I can tell you that if I had compared myself to the man that did this...in God's eyes...using my own criteria....He would have scored far higher than me as far as future worth. But it wasn't my truth that mattered. It's not your either. It's God's truth that matters!
HE is there! HE was there! No matter what you've been through or will go through. I could ask all the "Why's?" there is in the world. "Why did You let it happen?" "Why did You wait 16 years to heal me?" But the truth is now that I'm healed...it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am healed. I am free from the fear and anger that has "eaten me up!" for years! I am healed to share it with you now and to others as He opens the door.
HE is here! HE has got me! I am SAFE! I am HIS beautiful Princess!
So are you!
Next post I will share more about my judgements I made against myself in the aftermath of my "almost." Please come sit with me once more as I share the most wicked and powerful lie the enemy sent in my "almost."