Since putting on Zoe Elmore's hot pink pumps at She Speaks 2007, God has taken me on an amazing "learning journey." (See previous post for story) Something unexpected happened when I put on those pink shoes. I got MAD!!!! I did not like it. Now, picture this...Here I am wearing the shoes of my dreams, with 2 of my favorite Proverbs 31 speakers holding me up and my precious instructor/evaluator Wendy taking my picture. All were praising God for this gift He is giving me. All but me! I wanted to yank off those shoes, throw them across the room and whoop the fire out of all of 'em! (pardon my hillbilly!) At that moment, I was also confused at my own reaction. This should be a wonderful moment, it was an amazing gift of God! Being able to put on and stand in the shoes I thought was only reserved for heaven!
It was later that night at Lysa's alter call that I learned why I had felt that way. On my commitment card I wrote, "I want to trust." This was something that God had shown me I don't do very well. Instantly, a gentle voice my heart recognizes said, "Further Pamela." OK. I wrote down, "I want to surrender." That is further and a deeper kind of trust. Again the gentle but firmer voice said, "Further Pamela!" What is further than surrender?" Then I knew. I knew why I had been mad, when I had those shoes on, and I knew that I could not do it! The Jacob in me rebelled and I inwardly stomped my foot and said, "NO! I WON"T WRITE THAT!!!"
I knew at that moment it was a do or die moment. I so loved my Lord! But what He was asking of me I had no concept of doing. I cried. I don't mean sweet tears running down you face, I mean a sobbing-snotty cry. (Oh, don't act offended you've done it too.) I begin to write the words on the card, barely able to even see what I was writing..."I am willing to be helpless."
As I'm crying my guts out and feeling as if a part of the fighter I am was being wrenched from my soul, I again heard that gentle voice, "Pamela, I was helpless in the manger, I was helpless at the cross, and I the creator of everything was helpless every time I walked the earth and thirst. I don't want you just to be willing to be helpless, I want you to embrace it. If you don't know helplessness you can not fully know a part of Me."
I have tried to embrace helplessness. It has been only through His divine help and grace. I have had to retrain my brain and learn a new definition of "helplessness."
A pair of hot pink pumps sits in my office, to remind me to be helpless.
Tomorrow, I would like to share my new definition and share some "Helpless" insights. And for those other control freaks out there (I know I'm not the only one) it is not what you think either! In fact the world's definition is wrong! I feel stronger today than I have ever been because I am helpless!
Drop by tomorrow. Oh, you might want to bring your swim suit.