Thursday, January 15, 2009

Today, It's His Neck

Thanks for your prayers.
We still need them.

Today, I am not asking, "Why?" or pounding my fist against my Holy Father's chest. Today, I am hiding my face in His neck. It is warm against my tear stained and tired eyes. Here I am safe. The only way not to focus on my circumstances is to hide my face in His neck. Secure in His arms. These circumstances are so out of my control anyway. So I bury my face in my Father's neck until the storm has passed.

He said today, "It isn't over until I (Jesus) say it's over!" I heard that while walking through my den this morning. A pastor on the radio said it as I stepped into the room. I felt as if God called my name and told me to listen. The pastor's message was on the death of Lazarus. He talked about Mary and Martha. Both felt hopeless...after all Lazarus had been dead for four days! But with Jesus...It's not over until He says its over! In my hopelessness I latched onto this.

Unlike Mary and Martha we are not facing the death of a loved one. Zoie is so much better. Mike is always healthy and apart from my back, so am I.

But...I am grieving hard for the death of lost dreams and expectations. My pride is also dying along with these dreams. Right now I don't know if they are truly dead or just waiting like Lazarus for resurrection. All I do know is that I must hold tighter to Jesus. Trusting Him to provide either peace in the departure or joy in the resurrection.

Thank you for your prayers, your love! I feel drained and empty. I need to feel the love you are sending. It helps me hold on.

I pray that God will allow me to share all of this soon. Two reasons: Selfishly because when i share it it will be over and the outcome complete...no matter which way is chosen. The other reason is so that by sharing, someone else could be encouraged.

The death of dreams are as painful as the death of a family member. I know God must feel my tears running down His neck. His robe must be soaked. I also know that as a parent, He doesn't mind one bit. He just holds me a little tighter.

Love Pamela

6 comments:

Edie said...

I'm praying for you Pamela. I think about a year ago God asked me to hand Him my dreams. I didn't want to let go of them. I didn't want to give them up. But as you already know, His plan is not to harm us but to give us a future and a hope.

I know how painful it is both to have dreams taken away and to have to hand them over. He loves you and has something wonderful planned. Maybe with these dreams or maybe better ones, but He has something wonderful planned.

Love you!

Kimberly said...

This is such a tender picture. Even though your heart is grieved and you could react in anger and hurt and avoid Him, you are instead choosing to get as close as you possibly can. And that is right where you need to be.

I am sure His heart aches to hear you weep so. I am sure He would give you every detail to stop the tears if He could. I am so glad you are letting Him hold you. I am so glad you are trusting that He is for you and not against you and that when the time is right, He will reveal to you all that you need to know.

Blessings, sweet Pamela. I know that you will always find Him to be faithful. He cannot be anything else.

Praying for your heart today.
Love to you,
K

Kay Martin said...

Oh, yes dreams that die are a loss of great proportions. I've grieved many this past year; and now, I'm finding the joy of what God is doing in me. Oh, the visions and dreams He is pouring in my soul now are so different from those old dreams.

But....big conjunciton here...but loss is pain. God promises to comfort us when we mourn, grieve. Pamela, I know God is comforting you and your husband.

Ummmm...that's the hug I'm sending through cyberspace. Love you so, and I'm looking for the best for you from our Father.

Kay SC

Chatty Kelly said...

We've all lost dreams...or had to wait a LONG time to see dreams fulfuilled. Praying you are able to keep positive during this time.

Elizabethd said...

Our dreams are 'our' dreams. Who knows what the Father dreams for us? It is often so different from what we expect. Hang in there, stay strong in Him.

sara said...

stay right where you are....He will walk you through whatever the outcome!

And I'm praying for you!