Thanks for your prayers.
We still need them.
Today, I am not asking, "Why?" or pounding my fist against my Holy Father's chest. Today, I am hiding my face in His neck. It is warm against my tear stained and tired eyes. Here I am safe. The only way not to focus on my circumstances is to hide my face in His neck. Secure in His arms. These circumstances are so out of my control anyway. So I bury my face in my Father's neck until the storm has passed.
He said today, "It isn't over until I (Jesus) say it's over!" I heard that while walking through my den this morning. A pastor on the radio said it as I stepped into the room. I felt as if God called my name and told me to listen. The pastor's message was on the death of Lazarus. He talked about Mary and Martha. Both felt hopeless...after all Lazarus had been dead for four days! But with Jesus...It's not over until He says its over! In my hopelessness I latched onto this.
Unlike Mary and Martha we are not facing the death of a loved one. Zoie is so much better. Mike is always healthy and apart from my back, so am I.
But...I am grieving hard for the death of lost dreams and expectations. My pride is also dying along with these dreams. Right now I don't know if they are truly dead or just waiting like Lazarus for resurrection. All I do know is that I must hold tighter to Jesus. Trusting Him to provide either peace in the departure or joy in the resurrection.
Thank you for your prayers, your love! I feel drained and empty. I need to feel the love you are sending. It helps me hold on.
I pray that God will allow me to share all of this soon. Two reasons: Selfishly because when i share it it will be over and the outcome complete...no matter which way is chosen. The other reason is so that by sharing, someone else could be encouraged.
The death of dreams are as painful as the death of a family member. I know God must feel my tears running down His neck. His robe must be soaked. I also know that as a parent, He doesn't mind one bit. He just holds me a little tighter.