I have a Confession. I am afraid. Extremely afraid...like Nightmare Marathon Time afraid.
I am afraid of you.
Isn't that silly? (Please say it is or I will shrink up right now!)
My mind tells me it's silly...my fears tell me to be terrified.
How can I be so scared of you? I mean you are--wherever you are and I am here. You are reading this, not looking at me...you can't see or hear me over this page unless I video...which I've never done. YET you scare me!
It's not that I am worried you will not like me. Truth is no matter what you read here...you will never really know me. I could be in the crowd at your church some Sunday and some of you would not know me. I am smart enough to know that. So to tell the truth, it doesn't truly matter if you like me or not.
It's not that I have cyber fears of you stalking me or anything like that. My nightmares are not about you hunting me down in my sleep. I've taken good precautions there and honestly I trust GOD with that one...so that's not it.
I'm honestly sitting here processing this as I write it. I am searching for the answers myself...I don't know why you scare me. ALL I DO KNOW IS THAT MY FEAR OF YOU HAS KEPT ME FROM WRITING TO YOU.
God has blessed us so much these last few months. So why am I afraid to share it? HE has continued to heal my broken places. HE has taught me some deep and wonderful truths through HIS WORD...Yet I have not shared...not only have I not shared with you but with others who DO know me...Why?
If any of you have experienced similar fears, please let me know about your experiences and maybe we can help each other.
As I sit here pondering, reflecting, praying, seeking, and tapping these letters together on the keyboard and watching these words that have been hidden in my darkest place come out, I am beginning to feel peace and see some light.
Maybe, it is because I am exposing it to the truth.
Part of this started as I first confessed to you that I felt called to write more....to share more intimately...to share more consistently and with purpose and mission. After that, it seems any excuse would do to keep me from talking with you here...then to stop talking with close, nearby friends too.
OOOOH how conviction tears at hurt places in our soul. It is good. It draws out the venom of the lies the enemy has sank deep there.
Lies like...I can't! No one cares anyway! You have too many stories..people will think you made it up...too much like a "Movie of The Week" than real life. You are glorifying yourself in here not God.
Truth reveals these lies and exposed they can not stand. This may be some of the reasons or there may be some more hidden even deeper. I still do not know completely why....I don't need to anymore.
I now realize what I need to do.
So here...exposed to you...I lay my fears down and make no promises that I can't or will chose not to keep. I lay it all here my fears, my typing fingers, my blessings, my troubles, my pain and my joys...my ALL
Jesus take control of it all..it all belongs to you anyway...every friend, every word, every thought, every bit. Consume me with YOUR presence.
May I do a Nest-tea plunge into your GRACE. Then let me swim in your love and then serve others from the overflow. Your Over-flow!
Thank you for listening to me as I processed this out. Please share with me your experiences and pray for me.
I do truly love you. I don't feel afraid anymore...I'd give you a big ole SOUTHERN bear hug if I could...the kind where I squeeze ya so hard we shake. OOOPS I may have just made you scared of me! Hope not! If I did let's talk it out.